


Abyss

by Sanderliing



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Connor Needs A Hug, Death, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, death tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 15:40:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16813594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanderliing/pseuds/Sanderliing
Summary: Expressing emotion seemed so simple to other deviants, they mourned the androids before them who never got a chance to be free, they celebrated their own freedom, they hated, they loved.Comparatively, Connor felt nothing.





	Abyss

**Author's Note:**

> A... slight detachment from the fluff I usually write. It do be like that sometimes.
> 
> Huge trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and death 
> 
> Sorry guys

Deviancy seemed to come so easily to others. They’d experience an emotional shock, or, much more commonly in the days following the revolution, wake up alive and free. Expressing emotion seemed so simple to them, they mourned the androids before then who never got a chance to be free, they celebrated their own freedom, they hated, they loved.

Comparatively, Connor felt nothing. Nothing but a dark emptiness surrounding him, like he was drifting endlessly with no idea how to escape. Jericho had welcomed him without question, but he didn’t know why. Hank was constantly inviting him to meet and talk, but he just felt like a nuisance at this point. The grizzled police lieutenant had noticed the change in him pretty quickly, casting him knowing looks with sad blue eyes.

”Are you sure you’re okay?” He’d asked one day when Connor had barely contributed to their conversation. “You seem... I don’t know, distant.”

”I’m fine.” He remembered barely being able to meet Hank’s eyes, though he knew they were watching his LED flicker dangerously between yellow and red. Being a machine had seemed so much simpler, no one expected him to be emotional, he didn’t have to struggle with the humongous task of sorting out new emotions. Maybe that was why he’d kept his LED, maybe he preferred being a machine. He didn’t want to dwell on those thoughts, wishing for his emotions to be taken away seemed selfish, like he was undermining all of Markus’ hard work, and all the lives that had been sacrificed.

All the lives he’d sacrificed when his desire to be a machine led the humans to Jericho.

”Connor- hey!” He barely even recognised he’d fallen to his knees until the weight of Hanks body was wrapped around him, sensors telling him of the cold snow at his knees.

”Hank, I think I’m broken.”

* * *

He stood in front of Carl Manfred’s former house, where Jericho’s inner circle planned their next actions. Laughably, they considered him one of them, and he winced when the doors automated system let him in.

North. He needed to see her. She was the only one who would be truthful, none of the flowery nonsense Josh or Markus would spout at him, none of the careful words Hank or Simon would tell him. They were lying to him, he wasn’t a good person.

A quick message on their internal network and she was sending him her location.

When he entered, she was lounging lazily on a couch, the winter sun catching her hair in such a way that she almost seemed to glow. The WR400 smiled softly at him. He didn’t return it, scared that she was only faking it. The fact that that isn’t how North is didn’t cross his mind.

”Connor, we had another meeting yesterday but we were told you couldn’t make it.” How could he forget the evening he’d spent alone, repeatedly blocking Hank’s worried calls until the human had given up and sent him a text practically begging him to make contact.

”Sorry, I was busy.”

”It’s alright, it was just more of us getting frustrated at President Warren.” When she patted a spot beside her on the couch he hesitantly sat down. “Bitch is playing hard to get with the new laws.”

There was that feeling again, guilt. He was built to be a negotiator, he could have helped, should have helped.

Yet another thing he’d failed.

”Connor... are you alright?” Amber eyes flickered to his LED and god, why hadn’t he removed it yet? Oh well, maybe it was better if he just got this conversation out of the way.

”North, what do you think of me?” He could practically feel her confusion in the way she shifted on the couch, mouth opening and closing a few times as she thought of what to say.

”Connor... what? I don’t, what do you mean?”

”Do you hate me?”

”Of course not.” A hand was at his shoulder. He felt like it was burning into him, but he refused to look at her. “Why would you think that?”

”Why wouldn’t you?” The sensation of something running down his face ended with a single tear dripping onto his lap, more soon following. “I’m the reason the first Jericho was destroyed, the reason hundreds died.”

”Connor.” Hands were cupping his face, gentle despite their owner’s usual toughness, North forcing him to look at her. “You are not what you were programmed to be. It’s not your fault.”

”I’d come close to deviancy before then.” He felt when those hands stiffened. “During other cases, when I was hunting other deviants.”

An involuntary shuddering breath left him, the urge to curl in on himself increasing but he tried to remain stoic despite the tears and the red glow of his LED.

”But I still didn’t deviate. I felt guilt but I still didn’t do it. I only did it when I was at Jericho. I could have done it before but I did it then when it was too late-“

Before he knew it he was being pulled into a hug not dissimilar to Hank’s.

”I could never hate you Connor.” Fingers stroked though his hair when she paused. “You remind me of me.” 

He stayed silent. If North wanted to continue she would do it of her own accord, he didn’t want to push her when that admittance seemed to have already taken a lot out of her.

”Before, when I was still a machine being treated like a toy.” Fingers gripped his hair tightly, though not tight enough to be excessive. “I’d started to feel disgust for those men even before I deviated, but it took until one night for me to finally snap. Connor, it doesn’t matter when you deviated, it’s in the past, all that matters is that you did when we needed you most.”

It took a few moments for her words to sink in. When they did, Connor slowly eased himself out of her hold.

”How do you all do it? Why is deviancy so easy for everyone else?” His defeated tone made her wince, her hands itching to embrace him again.

”It’s not, we all struggle in the beginning.”

”You all make being happy look so easy.” Wiping the final remnants of tears from his eyes, he willed his LED to go back to normal. “I don’t think I can do it, every time I try-“

”You feel guilty.” She supplies for him. “You’ll never be happy if you don’t think you deserve to be happy. You need to forgive yourself.”

If only it was so easy. He’d almost wanted North to hate him, to validate the emotions he felt towards himself. But she was just like the others, willing to forgive him. That didn’t stop the black hole he felt himself drifting into dissipate, it didn’t change the fact that androids who were more worthy than him had died.

_They would have been able to understand deviancy._ He thought. They wouldn’t have been like him, unable to find anything to bring joy. They were innocent, their only crime the desire to be free, and he’d led their murderers straight to them. Who knows how their lives would have turned out. It didn’t matter anymore, they were gone.

Because of him.

”Thank you, North.” He tried to fall back on his old social protocols, to make his smile seem genuine. “I need to go now.”

They said their goodbyes, North hesitantly watching them leave before she was worriedly calling Markus on their connection. 

Time seemed to blur, feet taking him in some unknown direction. It was stupid of him to think that he would ever fit in, after all, his entire reason for being created was to stop people from being free, from being happy.

He barely even noticed where he was until a brightly coloured pole caught his eye. A playground, abandoned thanks to this month’s heavy snowfall. Turning around, a heavy feeling settled in his chest.

The bridge.

He almost relished in the slight terror he felt when his legs seemed to automatically walk him up to the bridge. At least this was making him feel something. The dark water beneath seemed to call him, its endless depth mirroring his own feeling of entrapment.

Equally dark eyes blinked hazily when he registered an incoming call. Hank. He wanted to reject it, but maybe it would be unfair to leave the human without any closure.

”Hank.” 

“Connor.” His tone was dark and serious, though there was a certain shakiness to it. “Where are you right now?”

”Why?”

The older man paused, choosing his next words carefully.

”Markus called me. They think you’re about to do something stupid.”

A hollow laugh left his throat. “I wouldn’t call it that.”

Something seemed to fully click in Hank then, the man’s sharp intake of breath indicating that he was about to shout. But Connor was too busy focusing on the way his feet gave a little on an icy railing when he hauled himself over to the other side.

”Connor,” There was no doubt that the lieutenant was panicking now. “Son, tell me where the fuck you are right now!”

Instead, he decided to just watch the water. It looked almost peaceful as it gently flowed underneath him, promising the closest thing he would ever get to sleep. Even if the fall didn’t kill him, the water’s freezing temperature certainly would. It seemed right, to end it this way, to finish it in the same black depth Jericho had sank into. The same water where all those he’d failed rested.

Now it was his turn.

Closing his eyes he prepared himself to let go, before he felt his fingers slip from the rails as he uttered one final sentence.

”I’m sorry, Hank.”


End file.
